i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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