Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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