my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
