i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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