The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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