definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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