He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
