I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
