You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
