Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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