Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
