I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
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I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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