Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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