Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
