I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well I just put wine in my tea
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
