My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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