I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
