I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
