he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
