i don't like sucking hair
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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