oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i wish my penis had a tongue
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
