I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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