Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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