He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
