Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
