That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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