Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
