You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
