I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
