i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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