He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
how does that bad decision feel?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
