Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
