I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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