Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
