We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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