I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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