I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
