sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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