When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
