I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
