well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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