You left your underwear on the fireplace
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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