i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
