one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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