i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
