I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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