U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
