Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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