You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
