my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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