I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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