He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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