I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
