my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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