I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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