I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
