Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
