Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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